Tax Jokes and Quotes
Today was the first day you could file a tax return. If you filed a tax return today, congratulations, nerd.
People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.
-- Jimmy Kimmel
The duty to pay taxes can bring a headache to even the most prepared person. Following are a few tax jokes and quotes to give your a laugh.
"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- D. Barry
"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery."
-- Calvin Coolidge
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax."
-- Albert Einstein
"I want to find out who this FICA guy is and how come he's taking so much of my money."
-- Professional Hockey Player
"It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required."
"The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect."
-- Sam Ewing
" [Suggested simplified tax form:] How much money did you make last year? Mail it in."
-- Stanton Delaplane
"If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil."
-- J. Paul Getty
"Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension."
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."
-- Herbert Hoover
"I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes."
-- Mick Jagger
" [The federal income tax system is] a disgrace to the human race."
-- Jimmy Carter
"Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, the less you lead, the more you're driven, the more destroyed, the more they feed, the more you pay, the more they need, the more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake."
-- Ogden Nash
"People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women."
"I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes . . ."
-- Mark Twain
"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure."
-- Dan Bennett
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr."
-- Will Rogers
"On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."
-- Tom Lehrer
"You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified," which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. . . . The IRS wants you to use the short form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form."
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno
"Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."
"Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them."
"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."
"Nobody likes taxes, but they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense."
"The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people."
"When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us."
"Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS."
"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?"
"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'"
"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?"
"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration."
"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for."
"Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them."
"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women."
"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards."
"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."
"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents."